9 July 2012

Dearest Harriet & Felicity

Today is exactly a week since you were born.  This time last week your Daddy was massaging my feet with lavender oil to help me deal with the pain of contractions.

I don’t know where to begin with the story of you, but I suppose it goes back about 15 weeks when we found out that we were having a baby.  Your Daddy and I were terrified by the responsibility but so excited too.  The next day at work I couldn’t think about anything but you, it was so hard to keep you a secret!

When we told your grandparents and aunties & uncles about you, nobody believed us!  I guess they thought that I was too busy being a “career girl” to want to have a family.  And I guess in a way that was a little bit true!  We hadn’t expected you to happen so quickly and easily, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t love you from the moment we made you!

At twelve weeks we went to Eastbourne for our first scan.  Daddy and I drove down together and waited excitedly for our first glimpse of you.  When the sonographer asked us whether we had twins in the family we both laughed and said no… we had no idea that our little miracle was actually two miracles.  But then we saw you both wriggling around in my tummy; it was amazing but it truly was the shock of our lives… Mummy actually had to go to the toilet, she thought she was going to be sick!

We drove back home in a daze, called all of the family to let them know, then sat and researched double buggies!  We actually had bought a single one and had to ask to cancel the purchase!  Do you know what Daddy was most worried about?  His car! He was going to have to get a bigger one to fit you both in and he does love his fast car!

It took us a little while to get our heads around the fact that two little monsters were on their way, but secretly we were both excited and proud.

Because you were something called monochorionic diamniotic twins we had to be so careful looking after you inside of me.  We were eventually referred to a a very good hospital in London called Kings because you were showing signs of suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.  Mummy got to see you growing every week and you both seemed to be doing so well.  Harriet, you were always smaller, but after a few weeks the doctors were so impressed with how much you had grown, that they decided that we only needed to check you every two weeks.

Mummy and Daddy were really excited that you were both doing so well… Mummy even began buying clothes for you!  Perhaps she should have waited a little longer as the story goes wrong from here



Lovely Girls!

Welcome to my first post in lettersformyangels, the blog I started to share my journey through grief and loss and hopefully finding hope as I make it through my story.

The day we said our final goodbye to our daughters Harriet Anne and Felicity Kate we wrote them a letter which was read at the funeral.  I found writing to them helped me deal with the thoughts in my head, so I carried on… here is that first letter I wrote.

To our beautiful baby girls, Harriet and Felicity,

You were the surprise of our lives when we saw you both on the screen, but we loved you for every second that we had you.  For over five months we carried you, nurtured you and made plans for your future.  Plans that will now never come true.

You would have both been funny and kind like your Daddy and warm and compassionate like your Mummy but one thing is certain; you would each have been amazing, beautiful, independent women in your own special ways.

When you were torn from our lives too soon, you left a huge hole, but when we held you both in our arms to say goodbye, the sun shone on all four of us, and we knew we would love you both for the rest of our lives.

We will miss you always, but know in our hearts that you are up there somewhere shining down on us.  Every time the sun shines, we will feel you smiling and every time we see a rainbow we will know you want to say hello.

Today we are going to set your ashes free so that you can both explore the world and tell us what you find.

We love you both, always,

Mummy and Daddy